A PHOTO ESSAY BY A SHOCKINGLY UNINFORMED TRAVELER

 In Life

Chip Chantry

PORTLAND, OREGON: 5 Must-See Sites

My whole trip to Portland was awesome. But for you guys, I’ll stick to the highlight reel.

1. MOUNT HOOD

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Mt. Hood, I am told, is a majestic sight. However, this beautiful mountain must have been undergoing renovations, and was covered with white tarps during my stay.

2. FOOD TRUCKS

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Ah, food trucks… These micro-eateries answer the age old question “What if a trailer park served falafels?” These asphalt lots, full of mobile restaurants are like carnival midways without the rides. Though the vendors are quite friendly, they do frown upon you pulling up and selling Mt. Dew and Skittles out of your Honda Civic. Some people just can’t handle a little bit of healthy competition.

3. THE OTTER FOUNTAIN

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Located in City Center, this wishing well of sorts commemorates Cecil and Ernest – Portland’s most pretentious water mammals. Besides being excellent swimmers, Cecil and Ernest each hold a liberal arts degree from Reed College, enjoy NPR, and fine dining.

4. BRIDGE OPENINGS

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Portland, aka “Bridgetown” opens its many bridges every hour on the hour. Most of the time there are not even boats going through, but this time-honored ritual teaches commuters the art of patience, through snarled, bumper-to-bumper traffic.

5. BOARD GAME PARK

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Much like the royal courts of the Kings of Europe, Mayor Ted Wheeler forces his citizens to compete in oversized board game matches for his viewing pleasure. Though chess is a favorite of this crazed ruler, the oversized Chutes and Ladders game is especially grueling for participants.

6. SIGNS OF IMMINENT DOOM

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Contrary to popular belief, Portland Oregon is quite dangerous city. At least the municipality warns citizens of their inevitable fates.

Chip Chantry
Chip is a stand up comedian and writer based out of Philadelphia.
To learn more please visit his site at www.ChipChantry.com.
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